Dating

I'm dating again!!! This dating lark always brings me many giggles and these two dates don't fail to raise a smile or two.
Somehow I managed to bag two dates on the same day (only I could manage that!!). I worked it so I met one at lunchtime and then the second that same evening, clever eh?
Date number one, I met in a pub just after lunch to avoid the whole 'lunch date' issue. I managed to arrive first but that had more to do with the fact that he got stuck in traffic rather than me being keen. I got comfy with a drink and then in walked Paddington. I'm calling him Paddington as he was wearing a Paddington duffle coat and had golden coloured hair so therefore looked much like Paddington. Paddington got a drink and then sat across the table from me, then he talked, and talked and then he talked some more. To this day I haven't a clue what half of the topics were that he talked about as I switched off fair early on into the date.
It's safe to say physical attraction was at an absolute zero and the parts of what he did talk about (that I heard) he could very easily age me from a young minded 40 to an old minded 40 plus. He ticked off nothing on my list for which I want from Mr.Right. Don't ask me how but I managed to escape and make my way home after just one drink. This hour of my life felt like a week!! Later that day Paddington text me asking what I thought of him. Now, I'm not sure what he wanted, a review, marks out of 10 or a 5 star reward but there was no use prolonging the agony so I never replied.

Date two, I met at a pub not far from my home but far enough that I had to drive. I'm not sure how it happened but this guy seem to appear from behind me & sneak up on me (this should of been a warning to run at this point). This guy I shall call just simply 'Mr Weird'. After getting drinks from the bar we sat down & Mr Weird basically became weird. He told me he didn't drink as it just meant he got into a fight and as he had a gun he'd lose his gun license. Weird, scary, call it what you like but any 'normal' person just wouldn't fight!
The weirdness continued when during uncomfortable silences instead of asking me interesting questions about myself Mr Weird would simply just ask me if I felt uncomfortable yet. Yes, Mr. Weird you did make me feel uncomfortable!!
Mr.weird was not dressed to impress either, wearing jeans, sweatshirt & trainers, not a look for a nice pub on a Saturday night. Mr Weird also went on a mini rant about women wearing make up. People who know me are aware that I don't plaster it on and keep my make up neutral so where this rant came from I'll never know. He never grasped my counter argument of wanting to look nice, presentable and make the best of myself.
Your probably wondering how I escaped Mr weird. I'm now going to give you a 'get out' plan to beat all 'get out' plans. Liverpool had had a good win that day so therefore watching Match Of The Day had a purpose and was actually watchable!! The pub had no 3G signal for me to set my sky+ from my phone. So, yep, my 'get out of the date plan' was me saying that I just HAD to get home to watch match of the day. Thank you LFC & Gary Linekar!!!

Goodbye 2012. Hello 2013.

I knew right at the end of 2011 that 2012 would be a tough year and indeed I seriously underestimated that.

2011 ended with my cat Bobbin having a stroke. He was an old man; we had been through a fair bit together over the years. My dad was also seriously ill at this point too. His cancer had spread and had become rather aggressive resulting in him spending several periods in hospital. Also towards the end of 2011 I got two new cats from the RSPCA in Shrewsbury.

2012 began with Dad being admitted into the Severn Hospice. I've previously mentioned my initial disgust at this and how wrong I was. I wrongly assumed that a hospice is about death. The reality is the exact opposite it's about hope, love and life. The hospice cared for dad and the rest of the family so well and I really can't thank them enough. On 14th February Dad passed away in the hospice. Dad's death left a massive hole in my life. I've always been a daddy's girl and so much closer to him than the rest of the family. He understood me because we were the same so alike in good and bad ways. My nightmare had just begun.

I took 6 weeks off work at this time, 4 weeks before dad died so I could spend as much time as possible with him and 2 weeks after he had died. During dad's illness I stayed strong for the family. Whilst arranging the funeral I stayed strong for the family. The few weeks after dad died I stayed strong for the family. When I returned to work, I fell apart. In hindsight I should of stayed off work for another week or two to grieve for myself.

The next few months of 2012 are a bit of a blur. I know I totally withdrew myself from my social circle and some days I'd only speak to work colleagues and family or just family at the weekend. Life wasn't the same and I now realise it never will be the same ever again but I can learn to deal with the change. Work was tough during this time too and added more pressure and stress. I'm not sure but I could probably count how many times I smiled or even laughed during these months.

By the end of the summer term I was ready for a good break from work. It is at this time that things started to turn around. It felt like something grabbed hold of me, shook me and forced me to get my life back on track. I began to go out with my friends again and make contact with people who I hadn't spoke to in months. I was also hitting the gym harder at this time. By the end of the summer I felt so much better and I had lost the few pounds of weight that I had gained at the beginning of the year. My tears hadn't completely dried but I was able to cope so much better.

On returning to work in September I knew I was in for a tough few months with changes in staff. Again I underestimated this. I was doing more than necessary but it was needed to keep things going, stress levels were high.

During November I was starting to find things tough again especially as Christmas was around the corner. On 30th November my cat Casper got hit by car and was killed. I'll never forget the cries of my other cat Horace, and the sight of him licking Caspers dead body. It was another blow and a knock back for me. But by this time I'd already decided that I wanted to find some inner peace so I picked myself up and began to think towards a new year and happier times.

Surely 2012 can't be all bad? I have learnt a lot about myself. I know that I have got the inner strength to deal with what life throws at me. This year has been tough but I've got through it and tackled what life has thrown at me on my own, and in my own way. Through Severn hospice I have met some lovely people. The hospice also gave me the wonderful opportunity to face my fear of heights. On 30th September I did a 500ft zip wire to raise money for them and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I savoured every moment of that morning and I'm fully aware that Dad was looking upon me with a proud smile. That was my last promise I made to him before he died. I can still see the look on his face when I told him that I'd do it for him and him telling me that I was mad. At one point whilst taking in the splendid view at the top of the building his words came back to me, for a moment I had to agree with him but the view and the whole experience taught me otherwise. I faced my fear, I raised money for a outstanding cause and it made me even more mentally stronger.

As 2012 comes to a close I shall put the sadness behind me and move forward. 2013 is going to be the year that I find my Mr.Right as I feel I'm now ready to share my life with someone. (It should be pointed out that he needs to have an abundance of patience to put up with me!!). I'm yet to choose a few goals for 2013 but it's guaranteed that they will test my physical and mental strength to make me an even stronger and better person than I am now. I also intend to carry the ethos of the hospice into my own daily life, creating love, hope and a better life for all.

My motto for 2013:
"I am ready to accept change and I know that only good things are coming my way".

The one that got away.

This is actually a hard blog to write as it involves someone I've still got strong feelings for but oh, how I wish I hadn't.

Have you ever met someone & felt a real strong connection to that person? I have. The problem as I found out later & after I'd fallen for him, his married with children. But I still want him because of that connection. However, the connection I speak of is pure sexual & nothing more than that (I don't think). Either way, I do feel that he is the one I let get away :-(
I've said before that I'm no angel and here it is laid bare (excuse the pun) I would happily meet with him every few months purely just to spend time with him & have sex. The sex I just know, sense even, would be electric & just what I need.
Here's the next problem since his second child came along we don't talk. Maybe he is just trying to do the right thing by his wife & family, maybe he can also sense that connection between us & avoidance is easier, maybe he just isn't interested, who knows.
I don't love him (I don't think) but I do have a mad desire for him that burns deep inside me. I miss talking to him even though I know he has told me many lies in the past.
So what do I do? I can't make the guy talk to me but I would like that opportunity. I need to know the reason for his silence. He used to tell me he thought about me all the time but was that a lie too? I really don't know and I would love to ask him. I would love to meet him again even if it was just for lunch and a drink.
He is the one guy that I feel has got away and I want that raw passion with him or do I just want what I know I can't have?

Bad sex or no sex?

Is bad sex better than no sex? Is there a right or wrong answer to this question?
I could pick up my phone, send a message to a certain someone & arrange to have sex with him. Nothing else just sex. Now, lets face it as a single lady my life is kind of lacking in that department so surely I should take up the offer. No, actually I don't. The reason I don't take up his offers is that I know from previous & recent experience it's not all its cracked up to be!
The guy in question has sent me several messages over the last few weeks offering what I know I need (let's face it we all have urges and needs). However each time I've turned him down and the reason, crap sex!!!
It could be fair to say that he may of been having 'a bad day' on the few occasions I've let him into my bed & also it would be unfair of me to say that the whole experience each time was awful because it wasn't. So is my reluctance to let him into my bed again due to his performance or me just not being interested? For me in this particular case it's the latter. My conclusion is reached by the lack of spark between us between the sheets and probably fuelling my lack of interest. A spark & connect is a important factor for me whether it be a one night stand (I may add that's not something I really enjoy anymore) or a beginning of something.
So am I being unfair and unkind to this poor guy who shows a lot of interest? And is bad sex really better than no sex?

Why raise money for Severn Hospice?

The first time dad went to Severn Hospice it was to go to the day centre. I was not impressed by this one little bit to say the least, after all a hospice is a place for people waiting to die. Then after a few weeks he was then admitted as a patient onto the ward. I was told that doctors there are specialists in cancer and would get his medication correct as by this point he was in pain 24/7. Again I wasn't at all happy at him being in there, in fact I was completely disgusted & appalled by it all. I was worried that being in a gloomy place where people waited to die would have more of a negative impact rather than good.
I went to visit dad on the evening he was admitted. When I arrived I was asked to sign in as a visitor and I was shown through a security locked door. A nurse met me by the reception area of the ward, (she must of sensed my disgust at being there) and showed me around. There was 8 rooms on the ward for patients, a communal kitchen, a peaceful sanctuary, a quiet room and three communal lounges. The nurse told me I could help myself to tea or coffee at anytime from the kitchen and that I could visit dad at anytime of day or night that I wished to. I walked into dads room and as well as dads bed there was a reclining chair, another chair with foot stool, a small table with a couple of chairs around it, a wardrobe, tv and a bathroom twice the size of mine at home. Dad seemed happy so for the moment so was I.
The next day I returned to the hospice, signed in again at reception & was let through the security door by a friendly, smiling receptionist. I then got to see dads room in daylight & with the curtains drawn back. I'd missed the French doors that opened out onto impressively well kept gardens (that's some feat considering it was January). This room did put many hotels to shame!
Throughout the next few days I met the nurses, receptionists and voluntary workers but they were all smiling, happy, laughing and joking. Dad got on great with the nurses and they all seemed to like him. Both myself and the rest of the family used the kitchen to make ourselves drinks. Strangely I actually felt relaxed being there and we filled dads room with family photos.
Over the next few weeks that dad was staying there I chatted to the nurses about anything and everything, I even joked with them and laughed but the cancer was now starting to attack dads body & he was getting considerably worse. I remember one tough day walking out of dads room to be met by a nurse who never said a word she just simply hugged me. Mum stayed at the hospice with dad most nights, the nurses had put a single bed for her in dads room. The nurses at the hospice were not only nursing and caring for dad they were also caring for the whole family.
Dad had good days and bad days. I can recall dad telling a nurse that he would love a can of Carling. The nurse looked at me and told me to go and get him some, I did and dad and I enjoyed a can whilst we chatted. This only lasted about half an hour as dad needed sleep but it was an important moment and the nurse who told me to get the lager obviously knew it. Mum was staying at the hospice and ordered food for herself from the kitchen. It was seriously yummy home-cooked food, I know this because I also ordered a few meals from the kitchen for myself.
Dad did pass away in the hospice on 14th February 2012, the worst day of my life. But yet again the nurses excelled themselves, they were comforting, considerate and extremely thoughtful. The nurses dealt with so much for us and made things so much easier.
But what about all the patients waiting to die? I never once felt whilst I was there that it was a place for people waiting to die. I did get to meet relatives of other patients and also one or two patients themselves but it was joyous and a comfort not awkward or full of gloom. Obviously people do pass away there but the staff are so thoughtful and considerate that no other patient or their relatives ever see anything distressing. I was very wrong in my initial assumptions and shamefully so.
Severn Hospice is about life not death, it has a wonderful sense of calm when you walk in, you can feel and sense it. The whole ethos of life can be felt throughout every area of the building and through its staff.
The nurses are living angels at the hospice and so are the support staff, volunteers and all the other staff that work behind the scenes. They treat the dignity and care of patients as a priority yet relatives are never forgotten. Dad was blessed to of been in their care and I'm blessed to have met some truly wonderful people. So that's why I will raise money for Severn Hospice it's my way of saying thank you.

What happens after the funeral?

Yesterday was my dads 70th birthday and also his first birthday since he pasted away in February.
This year so far has been tough and brought me many obstacles to overcome the majority being emotional. I was a daddy's girl, still am and always will be so his death hit me really hard. He was diagnosed with cancer two years before he passed away and lived a happy normal life until 5 months before he died. The cancer spread and took hold quickly. I carried on working full time and continued studying for my degree during this time. The guilty I felt each day going to work was unbearable, so 4 weeks before he died and when he was admitted to Severn Hospice I took time off work. During this time I kept things going and was the strength for the rest of the family.
After dad passed away I had a further two weeks off work and again was the strength for the family. I even spoke in church at dads funeral.
Once I had returned to work, I felt I had to return to 'normal' and the rest of the family were busy getting their own lives back to 'normal'.
But, what happens to close family and love ones after the funeral? For me I felt empty and withdrawn, my king was no longer here and I missed our daily chats (always about 7pm). For days and sometimes weeks I'd only talk to work colleagues or family (and that was because I had to). I even stopped going out with friends I had no interest in nothing whatsoever.
However after about 5 months something seemed to grab me from inside, it was like something was shaking me up to do something positive. This forced me to begin the road to recovery to begin being 'me' again, but only stronger and more appreciative of the world around me. I say begin as I always strive to be better and stronger and something inside keeps me focused. I no longer cry everyday but I don't beat myself up if I have a moment and breakdown, I'm told that's normal. I began seeing friends again and not just a few but all my friends. I started gaining an interest in life again, also things that were once important to me were seen for there trivia and began not to matter anymore. I have even started giving blood.
I've always had a strong mind so staying down for long was never going to be an option.
Before Dad passed away he asked me if I was to raise money for charity then to raise money for Severn hospice. I'd seen the hospice advertising many charity events so I looked into them and chose two. The first being a 10k midnight walk in May, I knew that'll be an easy challenge for me and was. The second would test me to the limit and mean facing my fear of heights. A 500ft 'come fly with me' zip wire off RAF Cosford museum building. I can still see the look on dads face when I told him I'd signed up to do it. He told me 'I was mad', I fear he maybe right! The zip wire takes place this Sunday 30th September. I'm nervous yet excited and also determined. I'm determined to do this and completely savour every moment of it. Dad won't be there to watch me in person but in spirit he'll be there and I will be making my dad proud of his little girl.
So, that is my experience of what happens after a funeral. I crumbled for a moment and then I fought back and after Sunday I'll be even stronger again. My only problem afterwards will be, what next? Next year my charity fundraising for the hospice must be bigger and push me further and harder. I have a few ideas in mind and what a physical and mental challenge 2013 could be.

The dating game.

Being single has its advantages, I mean I'm sat here in a pink fluffy bathrobe & matching socks, hey I'm bringing sexy back. One disadvantage must be the dating game and let's face it is one big game. I've dated cheats, liars, bores, the love himself and also those that are to keen & borderline stalker.
I can recall having a few dates with one guy & instinct kicked in to tell me all was not as it seemed. After some investigation I found out he was married plus seeing someone else as well. Needless to say this guy was rather quickly dumped & when he, a few weeks later begged me for a second chance he was told a very firm no!
On another occasion I dated a guy who throughout the date spoke unfavourably about his ex-wife. The guy clearly still had issues with her & completely bored me to death. I send an SOS message to my wingman (a female friend) to help me escape from him. I ended my evening at her house watching a DVD & eating Chinese takeaway.
Another guy I dated I ended up seeing for a few months. Really I should of known that the relationship was doomed as his nodding like the dog on the Churchill advert irritated the hell out of me. Plus, the sex was shit!
Another guy I dated for awhile provided me with excitement in the bedroom but boredom out of it. The boredom was such that having arranged a night in with him to watch a DVD & get a takeaway, I decided a few hours beforehand that leaving work, having a relaxing radox bath & watching Corrie seemed more appealing.
I could go on for awhile reminiscing & recalling my past failed dates but the thing is I'm so damn good at picking a tosser. I'm even spanning further than my local county to find them now & I'm sure they'll be mentioned in later blogs. However the thing is I do enjoy lounging around with no make up, my hair unwashed in my warm fluffy pink bathrobe & socks. Would this be acceptable behaviour in a relationship? I suspect during the honeymoon period, no it wouldn't. My cats give great cuddles & don't object to me wearing my favourite lounging outfit, without make up & unwashed hair so for now I'll stick with them. That's until I get asked out on a date again!!

To blog or not to blog!

After much thought I've decided to start blogging. I've yet to work out why or even how I've arrived at this decision but hey ho!!
The thing with this blogging lark is who is really interested but then I think of my life and it can be rather comical yet occasionally not so. Maybe this is a reason to start my ramblings and confess all and lets be honest I do always do things in life the difficult way.
You also need to know I'm hot headed, stubborn and when I get an idea in my head then there is no reasoning with me. However, I do have many great qualities loving, thoughtful, caring and I love to flirt but only in an innocent manner!!
Anyway enough for now,
much love x