Thursday, 31 January 2013


The end of January has finally arrived. It's been a whole month since New Year, it does however feel like six months ago. On New Years Day I hadn't found any resolutions or thought of any goals to achieve. This was still the case two weeks into the new year so I made a resolution to think of some goals before the end of January.

Some people can live very happily without having a goal or mission in life but for me it's important to improve & push my life forward with having something to strive for. I've had it drummed into me from various jobs that goals must be Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Time-bound (SMART) blah, blah, blah...... But, maybe, just maybe, that is the case or how are you to know that you are achieving your goals and ambitions?

Back to my goals. Firstly I decided that I shall separate my needs from my wants! I often want to buy various items from food to clothes to shoes but the question I'm now asking myself is do I need them? Most of the time the answer is NO, I just want them. I'm hoping by separating my needs from wants that this will help me save a bit of money for something nice that I truly need & maybe even want.

I knew on 1st January I wanted a physical goal, however this plan has been scuppered by an ankle injury preventing me from exercise & keeping me out of the gym. An appointment with a sports physiotherapist has been booked so hopefully with their help I'll soon be back in the gym & can set myself an exciting & challenging goal. I'm hoping to take up a new gym class or two just for starters!!

Joining new gym classes also contributes towards my goal of improving my own well being. As controversial as it maybe I've been on the sunbed once or twice a week to help beat the January blues plus also giving my skin a nice glow as a bonus. I'm taking time to relax and making sure that I don't let work or life in general stress me. Over christmas I put on a few pounds but nothing to drastic, conscious of being unable to exercise I've ate well without restricting myself & those few pounds have gone. In 2013 I plan to do new things and I'm sure as and when these things arise I'll know what is right to improve my life & well-being.

I believe my goals that I've got so far are achievable, realistic, measurable by their success and as for time-bound I'll re-evaluate after a few physio sessions.

I mentioned in my new year blog my motto for 2013, I plan to read it and remember its meaning throughout 2013 to push me forward to a brighter, happier life.

"I am ready to accept change and I know that only good things are coming my way".

Single Appreciation Day.

February 14th. Some call it valentines day but I'd rather call it 'Single, Appreciation, Day' (SAD). The problem with SAD is that those couple types think they've got it sussed with their over-priced set menu restaurant meals and smugness; they look pitifully at us SAD types thinking that we must be lonely and unhappy. The "Have you not got a boyfriend yet"& "Isn't it time you got yourself a nice man" comments come sympathetically yet patronisingly out their mouths. A fully signed up member of SAD can't help but roll their eyes!!

Around this time of year the shops have a field day hiking prices up on flowers, teddies with sloppy messages on them, single red roses, perfume & even undies. Yes, even a pair of knickers gets an extra pound or two added to the price!! So why bother? I have no problem with showing a loved one just how you feel and cherish them but if you can only do this on one day of the year then is that really love? Personally I'd much rather the type of love that is shown in small gestures throughout the year. However, some of my fellow female species would disagree with me claiming that they expect and even look forward to grand gestures of love on Valentines day. A male friend once summed it up in a fantastic way, he claimed 'valentines day means to a woman the same as what FA cup final day means to a man'. I would like to contradict his claims as I'd much rather have FA cup final day. I must confess that if some kind loving man wishes to buy me FA cup final tickets, especially if LFC are in the final (maybe next year!), on valentines day or any other day then please do so as it would be an appreciated gift!

So what do us singletons do on SAD? The answer is simple. We avoid over-priced restaurants and just simply do what we like, just like everyday of the year and maybe even toast our independence and happiness with a glass of wine or two at a fraction of the cost!

Monday, 31 December 2012


I'm dating again!!! This dating lark always brings me many giggles and these two dates don't fail to raise a smile or two.
Somehow I managed to bag two dates on the same day (only I could manage that!!). I worked it so I met one at lunchtime and then the second that same evening, clever eh?
Date number one, I met in a pub just after lunch to avoid the whole 'lunch date' issue. I managed to arrive first but that had more to do with the fact that he got stuck in traffic rather than me being keen. I got comfy with a drink and then in walked Paddington. I'm calling him Paddington as he was wearing a Paddington duffle coat and had golden coloured hair so therefore looked much like Paddington. Paddington got a drink and then sat across the table from me, then he talked, and talked and then he talked some more. To this day I haven't a clue what half of the topics were that he talked about as I switched off fair early on into the date.
It's safe to say physical attraction was at an absolute zero and the parts of what he did talk about (that I heard) he could very easily age me from a young minded 40 to an old minded 40 plus. He ticked off nothing on my list for which I want from Mr.Right. Don't ask me how but I managed to escape and make my way home after just one drink. This hour of my life felt like a week!! Later that day Paddington text me asking what I thought of him. Now, I'm not sure what he wanted, a review, marks out of 10 or a 5 star reward but there was no use prolonging the agony so I never replied.

Date two, I met at a pub not far from my home but far enough that I had to drive. I'm not sure how it happened but this guy seem to appear from behind me & sneak up on me (this should of been a warning to run at this point). This guy I shall call just simply 'Mr Weird'. After getting drinks from the bar we sat down & Mr Weird basically became weird. He told me he didn't drink as it just meant he got into a fight and as he had a gun he'd lose his gun license. Weird, scary, call it what you like but any 'normal' person just wouldn't fight!
The weirdness continued when during uncomfortable silences instead of asking me interesting questions about myself Mr Weird would simply just ask me if I felt uncomfortable yet. Yes, Mr. Weird you did make me feel uncomfortable!!
Mr.weird was not dressed to impress either, wearing jeans, sweatshirt & trainers, not a look for a nice pub on a Saturday night. Mr Weird also went on a mini rant about women wearing make up. People who know me are aware that I don't plaster it on and keep my make up neutral so where this rant came from I'll never know. He never grasped my counter argument of wanting to look nice, presentable and make the best of myself.
Your probably wondering how I escaped Mr weird. I'm now going to give you a 'get out' plan to beat all 'get out' plans. Liverpool had had a good win that day so therefore watching Match Of The Day had a purpose and was actually watchable!! The pub had no 3G signal for me to set my sky+ from my phone. So, yep, my 'get out of the date plan' was me saying that I just HAD to get home to watch match of the day. Thank you LFC & Gary Linekar!!!

Sunday, 30 December 2012

Goodbye 2012. Hello 2013.

I knew right at the end of 2011 that 2012 would be a tough year and indeed I seriously underestimated that.

2011 ended with my cat Bobbin having a stroke. He was an old man; we had been through a fair bit together over the years. My dad was also seriously ill at this point too. His cancer had spread and had become rather aggressive resulting in him spending several periods in hospital. Also towards the end of 2011 I got two new cats from the RSPCA in Shrewsbury.

2012 began with Dad being admitted into the Severn Hospice. I've previously mentioned my initial disgust at this and how wrong I was. I wrongly assumed that a hospice is about death. The reality is the exact opposite it's about hope, love and life. The hospice cared for dad and the rest of the family so well and I really can't thank them enough. On 14th February Dad passed away in the hospice. Dad's death left a massive hole in my life. I've always been a daddy's girl and so much closer to him than the rest of the family. He understood me because we were the same so alike in good and bad ways. My nightmare had just begun.

I took 6 weeks off work at this time, 4 weeks before dad died so I could spend as much time as possible with him and 2 weeks after he had died. During dad's illness I stayed strong for the family. Whilst arranging the funeral I stayed strong for the family. The few weeks after dad died I stayed strong for the family. When I returned to work, I fell apart. In hindsight I should of stayed off work for another week or two to grieve for myself.

The next few months of 2012 are a bit of a blur. I know I totally withdrew myself from my social circle and some days I'd only speak to work colleagues and family or just family at the weekend. Life wasn't the same and I now realise it never will be the same ever again but I can learn to deal with the change. Work was tough during this time too and added more pressure and stress. I'm not sure but I could probably count how many times I smiled or even laughed during these months.

By the end of the summer term I was ready for a good break from work. It is at this time that things started to turn around. It felt like something grabbed hold of me, shook me and forced me to get my life back on track. I began to go out with my friends again and make contact with people who I hadn't spoke to in months. I was also hitting the gym harder at this time. By the end of the summer I felt so much better and I had lost the few pounds of weight that I had gained at the beginning of the year. My tears hadn't completely dried but I was able to cope so much better.

On returning to work in September I knew I was in for a tough few months with changes in staff. Again I underestimated this. I was doing more than necessary but it was needed to keep things going, stress levels were high.

During November I was starting to find things tough again especially as Christmas was around the corner. On 30th November my cat Casper got hit by car and was killed. I'll never forget the cries of my other cat Horace, and the sight of him licking Caspers dead body. It was another blow and a knock back for me. But by this time I'd already decided that I wanted to find some inner peace so I picked myself up and began to think towards a new year and happier times.

Surely 2012 can't be all bad? I have learnt a lot about myself. I know that I have got the inner strength to deal with what life throws at me. This year has been tough but I've got through it and tackled what life has thrown at me on my own, and in my own way. Through Severn hospice I have met some lovely people. The hospice also gave me the wonderful opportunity to face my fear of heights. On 30th September I did a 500ft zip wire to raise money for them and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I savoured every moment of that morning and I'm fully aware that Dad was looking upon me with a proud smile. That was my last promise I made to him before he died. I can still see the look on his face when I told him that I'd do it for him and him telling me that I was mad. At one point whilst taking in the splendid view at the top of the building his words came back to me, for a moment I had to agree with him but the view and the whole experience taught me otherwise. I faced my fear, I raised money for a outstanding cause and it made me even more mentally stronger.

As 2012 comes to a close I shall put the sadness behind me and move forward. 2013 is going to be the year that I find my Mr.Right as I feel I'm now ready to share my life with someone. (It should be pointed out that he needs to have an abundance of patience to put up with me!!). I'm yet to choose a few goals for 2013 but it's guaranteed that they will test my physical and mental strength to make me an even stronger and better person than I am now. I also intend to carry the ethos of the hospice into my own daily life, creating love, hope and a better life for all.

My motto for 2013:
"I am ready to accept change and I know that only good things are coming my way".

Sunday, 14 October 2012

The one that got away.

This is actually a hard blog to write as it involves someone I've still got strong feelings for but oh, how I wish I hadn't.

Have you ever met someone & felt a real strong connection to that person? I have. The problem as I found out later & after I'd fallen for him, his married with children. But I still want him because of that connection. However, the connection I speak of is pure sexual & nothing more than that (I don't think). Either way, I do feel that he is the one I let get away :-(
I've said before that I'm no angel and here it is laid bare (excuse the pun) I would happily meet with him every few months purely just to spend time with him & have sex. The sex I just know, sense even, would be electric & just what I need.
Here's the next problem since his second child came along we don't talk. Maybe he is just trying to do the right thing by his wife & family, maybe he can also sense that connection between us & avoidance is easier, maybe he just isn't interested, who knows.
I don't love him (I don't think) but I do have a mad desire for him that burns deep inside me. I miss talking to him even though I know he has told me many lies in the past.
So what do I do? I can't make the guy talk to me but I would like that opportunity. I need to know the reason for his silence. He used to tell me he thought about me all the time but was that a lie too? I really don't know and I would love to ask him. I would love to meet him again even if it was just for lunch and a drink.
He is the one guy that I feel has got away and I want that raw passion with him or do I just want what I know I can't have?

Monday, 8 October 2012

Bad sex or no sex?

Is bad sex better than no sex? Is there a right or wrong answer to this question?
I could pick up my phone, send a message to a certain someone & arrange to have sex with him. Nothing else just sex. Now, lets face it as a single lady my life is kind of lacking in that department so surely I should take up the offer. No, actually I don't. The reason I don't take up his offers is that I know from previous & recent experience it's not all its cracked up to be!
The guy in question has sent me several messages over the last few weeks offering what I know I need (let's face it we all have urges and needs). However each time I've turned him down and the reason, crap sex!!!
It could be fair to say that he may of been having 'a bad day' on the few occasions I've let him into my bed & also it would be unfair of me to say that the whole experience each time was awful because it wasn't. So is my reluctance to let him into my bed again due to his performance or me just not being interested? For me in this particular case it's the latter. My conclusion is reached by the lack of spark between us between the sheets and probably fuelling my lack of interest. A spark & connect is a important factor for me whether it be a one night stand (I may add that's not something I really enjoy anymore) or a beginning of something.
So am I being unfair and unkind to this poor guy who shows a lot of interest? And is bad sex really better than no sex?

Saturday, 29 September 2012

Why raise money for Severn Hospice?

The first time dad went to Severn Hospice it was to go to the day centre. I was not impressed by this one little bit to say the least, after all a hospice is a place for people waiting to die. Then after a few weeks he was then admitted as a patient onto the ward. I was told that doctors there are specialists in cancer and would get his medication correct as by this point he was in pain 24/7. Again I wasn't at all happy at him being in there, in fact I was completely disgusted & appalled by it all. I was worried that being in a gloomy place where people waited to die would have more of a negative impact rather than good.
I went to visit dad on the evening he was admitted. When I arrived I was asked to sign in as a visitor and I was shown through a security locked door. A nurse met me by the reception area of the ward, (she must of sensed my disgust at being there) and showed me around. There was 8 rooms on the ward for patients, a communal kitchen, a peaceful sanctuary, a quiet room and three communal lounges. The nurse told me I could help myself to tea or coffee at anytime from the kitchen and that I could visit dad at anytime of day or night that I wished to. I walked into dads room and as well as dads bed there was a reclining chair, another chair with foot stool, a small table with a couple of chairs around it, a wardrobe, tv and a bathroom twice the size of mine at home. Dad seemed happy so for the moment so was I.
The next day I returned to the hospice, signed in again at reception & was let through the security door by a friendly, smiling receptionist. I then got to see dads room in daylight & with the curtains drawn back. I'd missed the French doors that opened out onto impressively well kept gardens (that's some feat considering it was January). This room did put many hotels to shame!
Throughout the next few days I met the nurses, receptionists and voluntary workers but they were all smiling, happy, laughing and joking. Dad got on great with the nurses and they all seemed to like him. Both myself and the rest of the family used the kitchen to make ourselves drinks. Strangely I actually felt relaxed being there and we filled dads room with family photos.
Over the next few weeks that dad was staying there I chatted to the nurses about anything and everything, I even joked with them and laughed but the cancer was now starting to attack dads body & he was getting considerably worse. I remember one tough day walking out of dads room to be met by a nurse who never said a word she just simply hugged me. Mum stayed at the hospice with dad most nights, the nurses had put a single bed for her in dads room. The nurses at the hospice were not only nursing and caring for dad they were also caring for the whole family.
Dad had good days and bad days. I can recall dad telling a nurse that he would love a can of Carling. The nurse looked at me and told me to go and get him some, I did and dad and I enjoyed a can whilst we chatted. This only lasted about half an hour as dad needed sleep but it was an important moment and the nurse who told me to get the lager obviously knew it. Mum was staying at the hospice and ordered food for herself from the kitchen. It was seriously yummy home-cooked food, I know this because I also ordered a few meals from the kitchen for myself.
Dad did pass away in the hospice on 14th February 2012, the worst day of my life. But yet again the nurses excelled themselves, they were comforting, considerate and extremely thoughtful. The nurses dealt with so much for us and made things so much easier.
But what about all the patients waiting to die? I never once felt whilst I was there that it was a place for people waiting to die. I did get to meet relatives of other patients and also one or two patients themselves but it was joyous and a comfort not awkward or full of gloom. Obviously people do pass away there but the staff are so thoughtful and considerate that no other patient or their relatives ever see anything distressing. I was very wrong in my initial assumptions and shamefully so.
Severn Hospice is about life not death, it has a wonderful sense of calm when you walk in, you can feel and sense it. The whole ethos of life can be felt throughout every area of the building and through its staff.
The nurses are living angels at the hospice and so are the support staff, volunteers and all the other staff that work behind the scenes. They treat the dignity and care of patients as a priority yet relatives are never forgotten. Dad was blessed to of been in their care and I'm blessed to have met some truly wonderful people. So that's why I will raise money for Severn Hospice it's my way of saying thank you.